Aso Rock 'n Rumble!

…For those of you just joining in, this is a novelty wrestling rumpus reaching you live from Nigeria’s resplendent Federal Capital Political Arena in Abuja. Spotting the patterned bands on the biceps is the two-time National Champ heavyweight, the formidable Olu “Baba Damager” Sanjo. His opponent, looking fashionable in a pair of striped and star-speckled trunks as well as a stylishly coifed Afro is Olu’s former tag-team partner and Chief Contender, Tiku “The Tornado” Turaki. Both are locked in a ferocious face-off that began in the early parts of this year when Olu dared an unprecedented three-time claim to the National Championships title unopposed.

Although Tiku “The Tornado” triumphed in the first round of fisticuffs by having Olu’s claim suspended, his challenge has since turned irreversibly to tatters by incurring the vehement wrath and rancour of “The Damager”. Using his redoubtable repertoire of power-slams, knee-locks, and rule-flips, Olu’s turned this bout into a handicap match, assailing his adversary with every trick in the book in order to pummel him to submission. First, he emasculated Tiku’s defence by sending off his security chief from the stands, then proceeded to methodically chip away at Tiku’s strong points, dropping deep, devastating rights and lefts to the greed- sorry, groin of the Tornado. Now he’s keeping him off the ropes by fiendishly bearing the Party Suspension bat down Turaki’s back, using Nigeria’s ‘no disqualification’ rule to full advantage like the seasoned pro he is.

So far, the Tornado’s been riding with the punches, refusing to resign, retreat or surrender. But what with Senate fraud investigations, Party suspensions and EFCC graft indictments, only time will tell true the depth of his endurance. If he does withstand the Damager, he just might earn another nickname: Cat with 9 Lives. Watch this space for blow-by-blow updates!

PS: Funny thing: Both are so deeply engrossed in this grudge match, neither has noticed being slowly encircled by a predatory pack of political scavengers, eager to put both outgoing champion and challenger out of their misery. ‘Must be the glasses…