Meet the New Boss

…‘same as the old Boss. Probably the year's most infamous presidential run, Nigeria's search for the nation's Ace has turned out a relay race (duh!). While irate opponents are crying foul, breathing fire and puking on humble pie, the ruling party's government is suspending its gleeful gloat for a more politically expedient route: sending plenipotentiaries to media stations across the nation in the bid to pour oil on troubled waters. Speaking of troubled waters, the country's focal point should be narrowing back to the normalcy of the Nigerian condition - power shortages, unemployment spikes, religious extremist conflicts up North, hostage-takings down South, the whole 'enviable' enchilada. Hm...Mallam Yar'Adua DID say he would unreservedly accept the outcome of April 21. Let's hope he doesn't 'botch' beyond what he'd bargained for.

The Fright to Vote

It’s a manic frenzy that’s gripping our global village in a spit-spewing seizure, from the Americas to Africa, via Europe. Once again the power to arrogate power is in the hands of society’s dregs, and politicians are bending over backwards to blend in with the populace and elicit as much ‘grass-roots’ support they can squeeze out of the sordid bunch, God bless them, rifling deep into their wardrobes for their faded jeans trousers, lumberjack shirts, and dog-bitten baseball caps. Doubtless, some in America (and Australia perhaps, don’t know diddly about the state of oral hygiene Down Under) have had repeated dentist appointments to make their most winsome of smiles sparkle like diamante, adding orthodontic P.A.s to their campaign entourage just in case, not forgetting coiffure specialists, couture impresarios and the ever-indispensable speech smiths. There are high hopes this year in these countries, talk about women and black men on the verge of seizing top office, and smothered snarls and snaps between opponents in the naked bid to blemish reputations, from their choice of running mates to their choice of underwear. All’s fair in love and politics.

So how’s the show back home, you say? Hmm, lemme see…seeing that Nigerians haven’t got qualms over image much (we hold our advanced free fraud supremacy with pride, and the outgoing president looks like a llama’s distant cousin), I guess dentist visits are out of the question. Very little is known about any but the most prominent parties or candidates, and the gazillion-page manifesto compendium for Nigeria’s over 30 parties would drowse you to sleep, if you can avoid a coma. The old mud-slinging routine’s a tradition we’ve honed to perfection here, though – a dominant candidate (a.k.a. ‘Tiku’) has been successfully disqualified as a result, in a maelstrom of audacious and inauspicious (sometimes valid) allegations, lawsuits and federal indictments. Something else election run-ups worldwide share is the race to rake in and shell out titanic sums of money, and in Nigeria, this serves more than just the purpose of oiling the campaign machine. No, money is used in this part of the woods to seek out and retain the services of the worst form of political ‘animals’ – thugs.

Formerly preoccupied with felonies from petty crime, burglary to armed robbery, these deviant hoodlums are now enlisted to brandish their machetes and semi-automatics for a better cause, the push for the absolute, all-corrupting power. They commence their murderous itinerary tomorrow with lower-tier elections, which should involve inspiring the fear of God in voters, especially rival party supporters, stealing and making away with ballot boxes, as well as general rabble-rousing at polling stations far removed from the prying eyes of international observers, y’know, the standard stuff. Of course, they could go ‘covert’ and serial-vote, but that’s old-school, and word on the street is the rigging’s now done in secluded 5-star hotel-rooms weeks earlier. And if you can’t read between the lines, it means the elections’ have already been undertaken by the ‘powers-that-be’ (which isn’t necessarily the government). The winners have already been predetermined; tomorrow and subsequent voting days are whitewash. I may even venture saying that apart from June 12, 1993, no real elections have ever taken place in this country, never mind a census.

So while unsuspecting law-abiding citizens and politicians alike act out the charade, a swarm of hired malefactors are unleashed to antagonize and terrorize with abandon. Indeed, these fastidious rascals have already begun, with reports from a Northern state of buses waylaid by cutlass-wielding youths to demand which way the party allegiances of their passengers leaned. Ah, the sweet air of democratic carte-blanche…

P.S: Since the posting of this article, the Supreme Court ruled on the 16th to overrule the disqualification of Mr. 'Tiku'. There may yet be a silver lining amidst all this bedevilment, eh?